I’ve seen that the education of Aesthetic Realism can enable marriage to be the romantic, kind thing men and women so much hope for.
One of the things people are desperate for in marriage—and also despair about—is that they will be able to talk to each other deeply, have exciting, honest conversations. And despite what is said today in self-help books and magazines, that differently from women, men inherently don’t like to talk, every man wants to be able to speak with his wife in a way that has a strengthening, good effect on both of them.
Aesthetic Realism explains that we all have two desires—our deepest desire is to respect the world and like it, to see meaning and value in people and things. The other desire is to have contempt, to look down on other people and see the world itself as an inferior mess.
The biggest thing missing most often as a husband talks with his wife is the active hope in him that through this conversation, they will both respect people more and like the world more. Instead, through a husband’s sad tone, a complaint about the neighbors, or a sarcastic remark to his wife, the world is liked less, is seen as dreary and inimical. Eli Siegel explained so kindly and resoundingly in his lecture “Aesthetic Realism and Love”:
Aesthetic Realism says that no one can be successfully in love until that person wants to love the world….The reason happiness in marriage is such a rare item is that people have tried to love in a way that would mean less of a like for the world—in fact, a contempt for it.
There is no greater need for the husbands of America than to learn from Aesthetic Realism what it means to like the world and how contempt works in us. I am a happily married man of twenty years who knows this really frees a man, enables him to be kind and passionate in his marriage—and like the way he talks with his wife.
Every Time We Talk, We Give a Message about the World
I learned that in every conversation—in our tone, our words, the look on our face—we are either saying that the world, with its complexity, is something to care for and have a vigorous interest in, or it’s a disappointing place that won’t come through for you. There is a drama about this in domestic life—messages that husbands and wives give each other every moment about the world.
I learned about this through an ordinary incident that occurred when I was married for one year—as I am very proud to be—to Meryl Nietsch-Cooperman. It means so much to me to be married to Meryl, to be living with and knowing this thoughtful, beautiful, energetic woman whose perceptions about things I need to be more myself.
One night I said I would make dinner and I was looking forward to doing it. Yet as things didn’t go the way I planned—the spaghetti took longer than expected and none of the dishes were coming out at the same time—I got increasingly annoyed. I started complaining to Meryl about one thing after another, and though at first she tried to have me see this wasn’t such a terrible thing, I was determined, and right in our kitchen I was in a battle with the world—with time, spaghetti sauce, pots and pans. I could see that Meryl felt bad, and I didn’t like myself.
When a husband complains it is mean, because he is really saying to his wife, “This world is no good—don’t like it. I want you to join me in feeling this—and also to feel sorry for me.”
“Do you think,” Ellen Reiss once asked me in an Aesthetic Realism class, “you want to use Meryl for consolation?” I had. Ms. Reiss asked, “Do you think two people can add to each other’s weakness in a fashion?” “Yes,” I said, and while regretful of how I had been, I was thrilled to see the logic of this and be able to change!
Asking another person, in various ways, to be in a team with you against the world saps the life out of marriage and poisons any conversation. I have seen a husband will either make for a hearty, encouraging atmosphere or he will undermine the best thing in his wife and himself. I feel so lucky to be able to learn about this and be a true friend to Meryl, which I want very much to be.
What’s Missing?—the Desire to Know
I learned that a wife comes from and represents the world. And if a husband doesn’t want to know the world and be interested in things, he won’t want to know his wife, or won’t be able to talk to her in a way that satisfies either of them. The pain this makes for Eli Siegel describes in his lecture “Mind and Husbands” when he says:
Husbands think that once they have seemed to capture a woman, that is all. Then the woman broods. She asks herself, ‘What did I get into? Things go on in me, and he thinks the reason I have these thoughts is I’m a weaker vessel, I’m frailer, I’m not as tough as he is. And if I say something strange, he’ll say, ‘Oh, sleep it off, darling. It will be all right in the morning.’ That kind of stuff has insulted women for centuries. And Aesthetic Realism tells husbands, Cut it out.
I am going to discuss passages from two contemporary books about communication in marriage, the first of which is titled How to Talk to Your Wife by Patti McDermott who is a “couples therapist.” This book has the common approach of today—that men and women talk differently because of inherent “gender differences” and if we can negotiate those differences romance and conversations will flourish.
People will buy books like these because they are desperate, but this author unfortunately accentuates the differences between men and women, which Aesthetic Realism disagrees with. It shows that men and women are more alike than different; we both have the same two essential desires—to like the world and to have contempt for it—and these are at the heart of every conversation between a husband and wife.
Near the beginning of the book, men are told that:
Women are…the relationship builders, the nesters. So your wife probably feels that it’s up to her to create and maintain a close relationship….Since your wife talks as a way to connect with you, the content of your conversation isn’t as important to her as its emotional temperature… she’d like you to listen and maybe to pipe in with a similar experience. This is how she feels understood and accepted.
This is untrue and also patronizing of both men and women. I learned from Aesthetic Realism that the content of a conversation is crucial. As we talk about people, co-workers, money, our families, what people in America are enduring economically, is it in behalf of respect or contempt? I have seen that the strength and happiness of marriage has always depended on that, because we can only love and feel truly warm towards a person who we feel is trying to be fair to things.
And to advise men to “pipe in with a similar experience” is to make puny and thin the bedrock hope in a man to meet his wife deeply, to talk with her sincerely and to learn from her because he wants the world she stands for to make him more who he is, and he wants to do the same for her. In The Right of Aesthetic Realism to Be Known Mr. Siegel explains so movingly:
We want to hear words from a person enabling us to see ourselves and everything better, and we want to say such words to another. This justice with words, this meeting of honest words, Aesthetic Realism shows, is at the very center of love. It is kindness.
I feel so fortunate to try and have that purpose with Meryl. Living with her, learning how Meryl sees things—the American west, the ocean off Long Island, the questions of women, music, her family—and also her straightforward, often humorous criticism of me, has made me a better man, and I love her. And I am so grateful for the education we are receiving in Aesthetic Realism classes taught by Ellen Reiss about art, the self, what working people in this country feel. Aesthetic Realism enables a person’s mind to grow and be wide, and makes for the rich conversations between a husband and wife they hope for.
Patti McDermott tells how married men often feel they need “some space,” and she gives this example, so representative:
Let’s say you come home from work…and you want to settle in with a drink or watching the news. Your wife comes home about the same time and asks about your day. You say “Fine” and she starts [talking] about…[her sister and] how much work she left at the office undone. You start tuning out. Your eye drifts to the TV. You say, “Tonight’s the last game of the play-offs.” Before you know it, your wife is throwing her hands up in the air saying “You never listen to me.”
Much could be asked about this particular conversation, but it brings up something Aesthetic Realism explains—there is that in every man that wants to care only for himself, and feels that to listen to his wife will take away from what Mr. Siegel once referred to as “the central firm.”
In an Aesthetic Realism class some years ago when, as I was talking about a woman I was seeing, it was clear I was uncomfortable that she affected me. Ms. Reiss asked: “As you show care for something not yourself, does something in you call ‘Come home, come home’—the ego Lorelei?” I said “Yes,” and Ms. Reiss asked, “So what is the answer?” I love the logic of what she said next:
This is personal, it is cultural. It is the central question in everyone’s life—if one loves truly something not oneself, is one loving oneself truly? Aesthetic Realism shows it is the most selfish thing one can do. The reason you show true care for yourself by caring for what is not yourself is because the main purpose of every human being is to like the world.
That class really changed my life!
Patti McDermott offers a different solution for husbands. She says:
If your wife tends to talk more than you’re comfortable with, set a time limit. Say “I’d love to listen to your feelings about your sister. I’m good for about fifteen minutes… before the game.”
That time limit is a solution that really is awful because it lets the cheap thing in a man win. It’s a horrible compromise—”I’ll give you a little piece of me, but not my whole self trying to understand you.” That state of mind always makes a man ashamed, and to encourage it is cruel. What husbands really want to be able to do is in these beautiful sentences of Eli Siegel from “Aesthetic Realism Looks at Things: Communication”—”When two people marry, what they really are saying is that they agree to try to understand each other…. The understanding of another person is a lifetime job.”
A Wife Wants Good Will in Conversations
I learned that what a wife wants most from her husband is good will, and not the soft thing people often associate with that term. Good will is, Mr. Siegel said:
The oneness of kindness and criticism in a person’s mind. Good will is benevolence, yes; but it is also exactness. Good will is hopefulness; but it is likewise the desire to see precisely.
Another book, Communication Miracles in Marriage, by Jonathon Robinson, shows the mix up people are in about those opposites, kindness and criticism. Robinson, a psychotherapist, would essentially have husbands and wives speak to each other in soothing, insincere tones and avoid or put layers of gauze around any real criticism.
Throughout, Robinson refers to what he calls “blame” as the chief thing not to do when talking to your spouse. I believe he has been affected by Aesthetic Realism’s revolutionary explanation of contempt and has lifted and twisted this idea to make it seem like his own. When we “blame” our spouse, he says, “We mistakenly think that bringing our partner down will…make us rise.”
To combat this tendency, Robinson says we must give our spouse lots of appreciation and acceptance, which means “you love your partner just as [s]he is.” He says that there is just the right phrase that will automatically “charm your partner’s heart,” and that a husband should find that phrase and repeat it to his wife often in a gentle voice, such as “Honey, I really love you” or “I’m crazy about you.” Of course a husband should express his honest care for his wife and not be grudging about it. But what a wife most deeply wants, and a husband too, is to be seen truly, and that includes criticism of where we could be better.
Robinson says when a husband does offer a criticism to his wife, he needs to do verbally what a surgeon does: gently prepare the patient (with praise), give an anesthetic to dull the pain, and then help the patient recover. One of the main techniques is to take responsibility for the problem yourself—don’t say directly that your wife is doing something wrong, say it’s you who are having the problem. Here is an example that puts all the steps together. Robinson says:
Daniel came to me because…[his wife] Anne, was always late for everything. I coached him to say something like: “Honey, I really appreciate how you are such a good cook. I feel really grateful when you take the time to make me a nice dinner like last night. You’re a very giving person. So our connection can deepen even more, I’d like to talk to you about something that has been bothering me lately. I think if you and I can talk through this problem I’m having, we could have even more fun…I’ve noticed I feel hurt and fearful when we arrive late to things together. Perhaps I feel insecure about what others will think, but whatever the reason it really makes me feel bad. I need your help….How do you think we could do things differently?”
This is not honest, and the kid gloves here have ill will. For the man to say that it’s a problem he’s having is fake, and I think a wife would know it in two seconds. Never does he say, “Dear, I see a way in which you are being unfair—as to time—and I think you don’t like yourself for it. So let’s talk, because I want you to respect yourself.” That is love from a husband.
I am very proud to teach other men what I am learning from Aesthetic Realism about the world, people, and about love. In consultations, we have asked men questions such as:
- As you talk to your wife, do you hope to care more for her, to learn from her, or do you hope to care for her less?
- Do you like to lecture your wife, or to talk in such a way that you both see new things?
- How are your conversations about other people—your family, for instance—are you trying to respect people as you talk about them?
- You and your wife can ask right in the midst of a conversation, “Is this having us like the world—how?”
I’ve seen that the principles of Aesthetic Realism bring clarity and real happiness to a man as they have for me.
One of the wildest things in Jonathon Robinson’s book is an idea for not talking at all. In the chapter “How to Never Argue Again” he recommends the “Spoon Tune” technique:
At the earliest sign of upset, lie down with your partner in the spoon position…one person’s front side hugging the other person’s back side….Next, while in spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate….Don’t say anything….No matter how upset you are at the beginning of this simple exercise, you will find yourself quickly calming down….If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that’s not possible spoon standing up.
This is so outrageous, it’s funny; it is also tragic that this is put forth as a guide for couples to avoid an argument. No amount of simultaneous breathing can have two people feel really close to each other. Only when a husband and wife together are trying to like the world will they feel truly close, and have the richness and happiness in their marriage they’re hoping for. This is one great reason Aesthetic Realism must be known.
A Shakespearean Couple Talks about the World
There is a conversation between a husband and wife in Act 5, Scene 1 of William Shakespeare’s play The Merchant of Venice which honors the whole world and themselves simultaneously.
Lorenzo and Jessica, a young man and woman, have eloped and been married, and as they sit outside in the evening in Belmont, near Venice, they talk. Their conversation has a relation of opposites—largeness and intimacy, grandeur and playfulness—that readers of Shakespeare have loved for over 300 years; and in their talk is some of the most beautiful poetry. As they begin, Lorenzo and Jessica don’t just speak about “us”, they speak about the world—the moon, night and famous lovers in history:
Lorenzo. The moon shines bright: in such a night as this,
When the sweet wind did gently kiss the trees
And they did make no noise, in such a night
Troilus methinks mounted the Troyan walls,
And sigh’d his soul toward the Grecian tents,
Where Cressid lay that night.Jessica. In such a night
Did Thisbe fearfully o’ertrip the dew.
And saw the lion’s shadow ere himself,
And ran dismay’d away.Lorenzo. In such a night
Stood Dido with a willow in her hand
Upon the wild sea-banks, and waft her love
To come again to Carthage.Jessica. In such a night
Medea gather’d the enchanted herbs
That did renew old Aeson.
Then the conversation changes, and in a playful way, using the same rhythm in which they talked about the wide world, they speak about themselves. Jessica is the daughter of Shylock, and she has stolen away from his home to marry Lorenzo. You feel Lorenzo is trying to have his young wife feel at ease, as he banters with her, seeming to deny their love, but really affirming it:
Lorenzo. In such a night
Did Jessica steal from the wealthy Jew,
And with an unthrift love did run from Venice,
As far as Belmont.Jessica. In such a night
Did young Lorenzo swear he loved her well,
Stealing her soul with many vows of faith,
And ne’er a true one.
A little later, Lorenzo, looking up at the night sky and the stars, wants Jessica to see the beauty of the world:
Lorenzo. How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank!
Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music
Creep in our ears: soft stillness and the night
Become the touches of sweet harmony.
Sit, Jessica: look how the floor of heaven
Is thick inlaid with patines of bright gold:
There’s not the smallest orb which thou behold’st
But in his motion like an angel sings,
Still quiring to the young-eyed cherubins…
That grandeur, warmth, intimacy and good cheer is what Aesthetic Realism makes possible for husbands and wives every time they talk. I feel so grateful to know this personally, and I want husbands everywhere to know Aesthetic Realism because it brings the sanity, romance and self-respect to them that men want and deserve to have.